


Voulez-Vous (Hisoka X Reader)

by cofffin



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Don't Judge Me, F/M, Handcuffs, One Shot, implied drunk sex, no actual sex but its still fun idk, rated H for Hisoka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:54:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27228430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cofffin/pseuds/cofffin
Summary: After a wild night at the karaoke bar, you find yourself in a rather inconvenient position, but least you’re not alone.The plot of this one-shot x reader fic was inspired by/shamelessly stolen from an episode of MTV’s Undressed. It wasn’t a good show & this isn’t a good fic, so please don’t come in here expecting anything but to leave with the thought, “What the fuck did I just read?”(You’re welcome for the brain damage, though.)
Relationships: Hisoka (Hunter x Hunter)/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 99





	Voulez-Vous (Hisoka X Reader)

**Author's Note:**

> About a month ago I re-visited a program from the early 2000s that was likely severely damaging to my developmental years, MTV's Undressed. If you haven't seen it, I'm pretty sure somebody has the whole series posted up on Youtube if you're interested. You shouldn't be though, because It's a hot mess.  
> Anyways, I was watching the episode I stole the plot of this fanfiction from and the first thought I had was "What kind of nut job would do something like this?" My next thought was, of course, my favorite nut job: Hisoka.  
> About halfway through the fic I realized that the episode was sort of poorly written and unrealistic in such a way that I couldn't really stay true to the original plot, so I just kinda did my own thing? Whatever lol.  
> I hope you enjoy it. Nothing is more earth-shatteringly powerful than the spirited, lustful heart of those horny for Hisoka. If you're reading this, I respect you.

Morning light crept into your bedroom window through the slats of the venitian blinds, gently waking you from a dreamless slumber. Your body felt heavier than usual and your eyes more tired, which was no surprise to you considering your hazy memory of the night before. It was the familiar feeling of waking up just shy of a hangover. Knowing it was your day off, you decided not to worry about it so much and sleep it off. You were in your own bed, which led you to assume your night was rather uneventful despite the blackout drunkenness. Just as you went to shut your eyes again, you realized some of that heaviness you were feeling wasn’t just your borderline hangover; there was a muscular arm around your waist holding you tightly.

Startled to be sharing your bed with a stranger, you quickly sat up, disturbing him from his slumber. You almost regretted it, not realizing how handsome he was all cuddled up with you until it was too late. His toned body almost distracted you from the sculpted features of his face; almost. You weren’t sure which was more attractive. His eyes were a golden shade almost like a cat’s as they slowly fluttered open to look up at you and his hair was a deep red; it seemed a bit too red to be natural, but you couldn’t be sure. He was definitely a flamboyant type, made obvious by the smeared make-up on his face, which you didn’t mind at all. You wondered what it was you did to get the attention of a guy like him.

“Hi, cutie.” He smiled deviously. “Remember me? ♥”

So he knew you were black-out drunk. Typical. Your admiration for his gorgeousness diminished ever so slightly realizing what a degenerate he was.

“No.” You sheepishly admitted.

“The karaoke bar last night. You pointed to me in the crowd when you were singing Voulez-Vous.” He gently reminded you. “As you can see, I _did_ want. ♠”

“Ah, I see...I’m flattered and all, but I’m sure it was obvious I wasn’t actually present for whatever happened last night.” You narrowed your eyes in disapproval of him. “And seeing as you’re a stranger in my bed and all, it might be best if you-”

“-Take my leave? Say no more, dear. ♦” He wasn’t phased by your bothered expression. His self-satisfied smile actually didn’t waver until he tried to get out of your bed. With a loud clang and a slight tug on your wrist, your eyes widened in shock and he cursed under his breath. Your left wrist and his right wrist were handcuffed around the middle of the headboard of your iron bed frame.

“Seriously?!” You futilely tugged at the restraint for a minute before realizing you were pulling him along with it and accomplishing nothing. Then your eyes started frantically scanning the room for the key.

“Relax. You’re the one that cuffed us. The key must be somewhere. ♣” He assured you.

“ _I_ did this?” You rolled your eyes. “Doubtful. I don’t even own a pair of these things."

“Okay, so the cuffs are mine, but it was your idea to use them. I’m not sure how you got yourself locked up though.” He raised his eyebrows. “Because I was the only prisoner of love last night. ♥”

“Wait, _I’m_ the one that cuffed _you?_ ” That seemed even more implausible.

“Judging by that reaction, I assume you’re usually on the receiving end? Good to know.” He chuckled. “Since we’re both already here, I wouldn’t mind fooling around a little more... What do you say? ♠”

The suggestion made you cringe.

“No offense, but I’m not really in the mood right now. I kinda just want to get the hell off this bed.” You groaned as you started searching through your sheets and pillows for the missing key.

To your great annoyance, your bedmate didn’t bat an eye or lift a finger to aid your search. If anything, he seemed to be amused by your frantic state.

“Uh, a little help please?” Your tone stressed how bothered you were by the whole situation.

“What for? I’m enjoying myself.” He snickered. “You look so cute all wound up like this... I’d jump at the opportunity to unravel you again. ♦”

“As if!” His repellent personality was quickly outweighing his handsomeness. “It was a one-time thing. I was wasted then, and I’m starting to get pissed off now.”

“If you say so.” He fluffed the pillow with his free arm and shut his eyes. “Wake me up if you find it, I guess. ♣”

“”If?!” You shrieked. “You mean when! When I find it!”

~♥~♠~♦~♣~

Two hours passed... You didn’t find it. You checked everywhere you could possibly reach while still attached to the bed. Between the nightstand, under the mattress, the floor, the pockets of your pants and his pants, it was utterly hopeless.

“... I can’t believe I can’t fucking find it.” You sighed. “You’re really not gonna help at all?”

“I woke up before you and looked around quite a bit, actually.” He shrugged. “I gave up and decided to come back to bed. ♠”

“Oh… Wait, why didn’t you tell me you already looked?!” You shot him a cross look.

“It’s not like it would’ve stopped you from looking on your own. ♦”

He was right. Still, you had to find another course of action.

“My phone isn’t in this room...” You said. “And I haven’t seen another one in here, so I’m assuming yours isn’t here either.”

“Were you thinking of calling someone for help?” He asked. “I’m not sure I want a stranger seeing me this way… I’m a bit shy. ♣”

You rolled your eyes at that statement. As if he had anything to be shy about.

“Well, I can’t find any bobby pins to pick this damn lock and my roommate is on vacation for another two days… Do you have any better ideas?”

I guess we’ll just have to wait.” That smug smile didn’t leave his lips. It was starting to grow on you. “My name is Hisoka, by the way. ♥”

You told him yours.

“Say, You look pretty strong, couldn’t you just break these cuffs?” Looking at his forearms and his biceps, you figure he could probably break anything in that room, including you.

“Maybe if I was cuffed to a wall or something, but I’m cuffed to you and we’re cuffed to the bed.” He explained. “I’ll just wind up hurting you if I pull too hard. ♠”

You examined the bed frame before your next suggestion.

“What about the headboard?” There was a certain desperation in your eyes that seemed to delight him, because he was laughing at you again.

“You’d rather destroy your own bed then spend a little more time with me?” He touched his free hand to his heart, feigning offense. “You wound me. ♦”

You scoffed.

“In all honesty, I’m sure I can break it... But I won’t.” He said a bit more seriously. “I’d probably have to kick the bed apart, and even so, we’d still be attached to this headboard. Then what? ♣”

“We could make it through the threshold with the headboard if we walk sideways.” Your brain was moving a million miles a minute trying to think of the logistics of it. “It’s a cheap bed, I don’t care what you do to it if it gets us outta here.”

“I’ll consider it… But first I want you to tell me why you wanna get away from me so badly now when last night you couldn’t get your hands off of me.” He poked the end of your nose playfully. “The contrast is very cute, by the way. ♥”

“Don’t be stupid. I was drunk. The difference is the vodka. Any other questions?” You bit back.

“Come, now. It’s not that simple. You weren’t _that_ drunk when you sang your little song, were you? You made eyes at me from across the bar before you got up to sing it, too. There was a reason you pointed me out. It was for me. ♠” He seemed certain of this.

Maybe you did remember doing that. Somewhat.

“Once you got back to the bar you drank five cosmopolitans before coming over to talk to me… Granted, I bought your fifth, but you’re really the one that initiated all of this. ♦” He leaned in a little closer. “You wanna know what I think? You know what you want, but you’re too afraid to admit it. Even to yourself. Especially not to me. Blame it on your liquid courage all you’d like, but you’re obvious. An open book. ♣”

As much as you wanted to deny it, you couldn’t think of any snide remarks for your own defense. He was right. You were hopelessly intimidated by him and attracted to him. Even if you didn’t remember it, you could perfectly see yourself in the scene he described to you and you felt yourself burning with embarrassment because of it. The range of emotion on your face was just as obvious to him, his smug expression growing ever more complacent as the reality of your desires dawned on you. You were glad to be with him and he knew it.

“Whatever… I guess.” You mumbled under your breath and faced the other way. Due to the position you were handcuffed in, you couldn’t turn enough to show your back to him.

“Don’t play coy with me. I know you now.” He plopped his head onto your chest and put his arm around you again. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you hid that key from yourself just to spend a little more time with me. ♥”

“Don’t push it.” You brushed his hair away to get a better look at his face, despite yourself. “No matter how handsome you are, I don’t think I’d choose this.”

“At least you’ve finally graced me with a touch of honesty.” He hummed happily, tracing a finger along your jawline. His light touch made you shiver as he got closer to the sensitive spot behind your ear. “But would you still be willing to grace me with something else, I wonder? ♠”

“Such as?”

“Give me a kiss.” He said, but you could already tell nothing was that simple with him. “Not just a little peck, though. I want a deep, passionate, open-mouthed kiss. Like the ones you were so eager to give me last night. Kiss me like I’m your lover. ♦”

“For real? You don’t just ask for kisses like that… They’re supposed to come naturally.” His boldness shouldn’t have surprised you, but you were still taken aback by the request.

“I’d say it’s very natural.” He kissed your collarbone gently. “We’ve already done it plenty and I know if I started kissing you that way, you wouldn’t stop me. ♣”

Without breaking eye contact, he licked the spot he just kissed, then kissed again a bit harder.

“I know you like it when I use my tongue. ♥” He said. You pushed him away.

“Stop trying to act cute. Didn’t you say you’d consider busting off this headboard? I was being serious when I said I didn’t care about breaking this thing. It’s from Target.” Your attempt to direct him to the task at hand was futile.

“Yes, I said I’d consider it… I didn’t promise you anything.” His flippant response made you sigh in exasperation. “But I promise I’ll do it for a kiss. How’s that? ♠”

At that point, you were so sick of his taunting and toying with you, you just wanted to shut him up. with your free hand you gripped his face and kissed him hard, just like he wanted. You could barely part your lips before he forced his tongue against yours and the instant he did, all you could think about was how good he tasted. You didn’t want to want him, but his lips were magnetic. You were compelled to kiss harder and feel his body closer to your own. Slipping a hand up his shirt, you held him tightly against you and he did the same. Your cuffed hands laced fingers as you lost yourself in his passionate kiss. It wasn’t until he stopped kissing back that you realized you were holding onto his shoulder and grinding against him.

“So? Did you still want me to break this bed? Or did you wanna use it a little while longer? ♦” He stroked his length through his underwear.

“... Maybe just a quickie.” You bit your lip.

“Good girl… ♣” He leaned in to kiss you again when suddenly he stopped everything. He blinked several times and squinted incredulously before you demanded an explanation.

“What? What’s wrong?” You looked to your left and right side, trying to figure out what he was looking at.

“Well, I’ll be.” He raised his eyebrows and smiled lightly before reaching out to tuck your hair behind your ear. As he pulled back, you noticed something in his hand. “I think you had it behind your ear this whole time. ♥”

He spun the little key around his index finger and grinned mischievously.

“You fucking bastard! You mean to say you had it this whole time?!” You were boiling over with rage.

“No, no, no. It was behind your ear, silly.” He teased. “Don’t you listen to a thing I say? ♠”

“Fuck you! You’re a real bastard, you know that?!”

“Aw, come on. It wasn’t all that naughty of me. ♦” He insisted.

Before you could even object to the absurd statement, he did something worse than you ever could have imagined. You couldn’t believe your eyes: He threw the key over his shoulder and out the window.

“But that was pretty naughty, wouldn’t you say?” He laughed gleefully at himself. “Maybe even a little evil... ♣”

“What the fuck is your problem?!”

“Well, I have a lot of problems, but since we’re together like this, I have all day to tell you about them! ♥”

It was going to be a long day… But you didn’t really mind.


End file.
